The Carrot

People need a carrot to motivate them. I was just reading a popular money planning book, and I counted several “reward” sentences on every page. (You will be rich; you will be financially secure; you will have no worries.). There was also a high count of agency sentences (it’s up to you; the choice is yours; the choices you make will determine your future.). I feel a bit suspicious on reading this kind of material. At the same time, it can be highly motivating to write down the rewards that you think you might get.

So I thought I should include a section on rewards and agency in this site. This site is about relationships, so what kinds of rewards should I promise? Maybe:

You will have success in dating,
Your kids will listen to you and respect you.
You will not get divorced.
You will feel close to people and not be lonely.
If your relationships promote civic norms, your country could experience a civic renewal.

I think that all of these and more could be true. However, I also believe in the warning message of the Honest Woodcutter in Aesop’s Fables. In this story, a woodcutter accidentally drops his axe in a river, and the god Mercury appears to help him. Mercury first offers him a golden axe, saying “is this yours?” The woodcutter honestly says that it isn’t. Mercury then offers a silver axe, which the woodcutter refuses. Finally, Mercury returns the correct axe, granting the other two as well to reward the man for his honesty. The woodcutter’s envious neighbor then tries to get the same deal, throwing his axe into the river intentionally. However, when Mercury offers the golden axe, the neighbor (not quite understanding the story) greedily accepts it. Needless to say, things do not go well for him.

The point is that although moral behavior can lead to real rewards, it doesn’t always pay to stick to closely to a clear narrative or strategy about that reward.

Another example like this is in the movie The Neverending Story, where Atreyu has to walk through a magical doorway. But the only way he can get through is to not want to get through the doorway.

Yet another is in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, where Harry has to find the stone in a magic mirror, but he can only get it if he doesn’t want to use it for himself.

So if you like, you can write your own notes about how to get these material rewards. I suggest that you keep a journal and every day, write down notes about any good things that come your way as a result of trying these practices. I can’t tell you exactly what they will be – it’s better if you remain open to the possibilities. However, I think you might be surprised! The rewards might or might not be the exact rewards you are imagining right now; but there will be some rewards. Like the woodcutter, you’re better off if you don’t get too attached to any particular benefit that’s suppose to happen. Still, these techniques are the most powerful, important ones I know when it comes to relationships.