This site is about families: whether married or unmarried; with or without children; biological or adopted; spouses, parents, or friends; school or church; small or large.
I thought I would start this site about families by talking about meeting and relating to people, because meeting people (perhaps going on a date) is often how families start.
When you meet someone for the first time: if you are automatically interested in someone and their hobbies / values right off the bat, great!
If you are somewhat interested and might have to work at it, it could work, especially if some of their interests are automatic / easy and some require a bit more work. Most people don’t “click” on all of the hobbies that everyone has. There’s some “green eggs and ham” spirit here (try it, you might like it!)
If you are not interested and would have to work hard to get into their hobbies and values, you should probably say “no deal” and not see them again. Some work is par for the course, a lot of work is going to be too much. If this person is a prospective romantic partner, that is presumably a commitment to spend a lot of time with this person; so the bar should likely be higher than if they are an acquaintance.
Balance strategy with authenticity
Some people find that their hobbies and values are “weird” – they aren’t shared by others. That can be frustrating: it’s hard to meet people to whom you can relate. You can sometimes change over time, to the point where you relate to more people than you used to. You don’t have to have the same interests forever. It’s just a question of how quickly and forcefully you can do this before it becomes inauthentic. If you are only pretending to relate, then you’ll eventually regret it.
One philosophy is to try to strategically choose interests that others will like. This is the person who takes up a sport or hobby that they’d share with others at their workplace; or a person who adopts a hobby because they think men / women like it, and they want to meet more men / women. The opposite philosophy is to “stay authentic” and never change one’s interests to suit others. The ideal answer is probably a compromise in between these two extremes. You want to pick topics that others might care about – and that you care about too. You should respect other people’s values – without giving up on your own.
Don’t assume that what the person discusses with you on a daily basis represents their deepest interests and values
If someone tries to discuss their deeper interests and values with you, and you don’t seem receptive, they will likely give up – sometimes fairly quickly. People who have “weird” interests or values often won’t share them unless you show signs of being interested. (And on some level, all interests and values are weird.) If someone brings up, say, the poetry of Chaucer, and you don’t act interested, don’t be surprised if they never mention it again. Even if Chaucer is their favorite poet of all time, most people won’t try again. So it’s good to pay attention and show interest when you can. It’s good not to be self-obsessed. On the other hand, if you never share your own interests, you’ll never know if others might like them.
We relate to different people in different ways
We should not imagine that everyone in our society will share the same values or the same aesthetic sense. We connect to some people and they in turn connect to others. Society works through a network of these connections, not through a single factor that we have in common. (Although some factors are closer than others to being held in common.)
Areas of Relating
In what areas do we relate? I asked ChatGPT to help list the domains of relationship and put them in decreasing order of importance; you can decide for yourself if it got that right. (I will let you know whenever I include AI-generated text.) In each case, we can strike a balance between sticking close to our own habits vs. reaching out into unexplored territory.
1. Shared values — or a genuine interest in one another’s values
Even if values differ, one can choose to:
- Ask meaningful questions
- Listen without defensiveness
- Understand what matters to the other
- Explore how the other person interprets ethical or philosophical ideas
This is one of the most important deliberate forms of early connection.
2. Religious or spiritual orientation — or curiosity about the other’s experience
You don’t have to share beliefs to:
- Respect their worldview
- Ask what it means to them
- Understand how it shapes their life
- Appreciate the emotional or cultural depth behind their spirituality
This expands connection without requiring agreement.
3. Personal narratives and formative experiences
People love being understood in the context of their story.
You can choose to:
- Invite them to share meaningful experiences
- Ask how those experiences shaped them
- Offer your own stories where appropriate
- Show empathy, curiosity, or admiration
This deepens connection intentionally.
4. Artistic, aesthetic, or nature-based interests
Even if you don’t share tastes, you can intentionally:
- Ask why a book/film/music piece matters to them
- Explore what emotions or memories it evokes
- Appreciate their aesthetic sensibilities
- Share your own in return
This engages the “inner worlds” of both people.
5. Hobbies, interests, and enthusiasms
Again, you don’t have to love the same activities to connect:
- Show curiosity about what they enjoy
- Ask how they got into it
- Let them teach you a little
- Share what excites you
Mutual interest in passions builds respect and warmth.
6. Cultural or identity background — or interest in each other’s culture
You cannot choose your background, but you can choose to:
- Ask about theirs
- Share aspects of your own
- Compare traditions, customs, or environments
- Appreciate differences without appropriating
This fosters depth without requiring similarity.
7. Interest in each other’s chosen communities or social worlds
One can choose to appreciate:
- The kinds of groups the other person belongs to
- What those communities mean to them
- How those groups have shaped them
You don’t need to join these communities—just understand them.
Nexus State Theory 