In my experience, the trouble with men not doing chores has less to do with a lack of rational desire to do the chores, and more to do with a kind of willpower problem. They’ll say “yes, yes, I want to do this” but it is not happening. (I am open to the possibility that many families have the opposite problem, where it is women who have this willpower dilemma. If so, what I have to say probably applies to that case as well. On the other hand, for men who simply don’t want to do chores, this piece also has less to say to that position.)
I suggest a major reason is that these men are thinking about relationships in a performative way: I am doing something that I am good at, to show that I am good at it. For a man, his job reflects something that he is good at; his spouse is good at some other job, or at homemaking. So it makes sense, performatively, for him to contribute by working at his job. Chores are something he’s less good at, so (by performative logic), he gains nothing by struggling to do chores.
How can he get himself to see it differently? I suggest that the most important dynamic in chores is autonomous cooperation. This is a blend between acting alone (so that the woman can rely on him to do his task, even without being reminded) and acting jointly (so that the man and woman can coordinate their activities.) Autonomous cooperation is at the heart of shared projects. The point is not performative (showing that he can do shared projects) but rather that it is satisfying to be in a shared project, and dissatisfying to be excluded from one.
People don’t generally select mates for shared project “skills.” It can be quite difficult to know for sure if your partner will do the chores – up until you’re married with kids. Just because a man cooks for you on some dates – doesn’t mean that he will cook for you on a regular basis once you’re married. However, that doesn’t mean that women don’t want men who participate in shared projects. It just means that it may be fairly difficult to select a spouse on that basis.
Why might men have a hard time seeing chores in terms of autonomous cooperation or shared projects? Some possibilities include:
- The man thinks of shared projects as being primarily performative rather than participatory.
- The man simply has a hard time doing things without external input, for whatever psychological reason.
In the case of (1), the man might view shared projects as showcasing skills or traits such as leadership, reliability, humility, or communication. Yet that logic treats shared projects as performative (he thinks that his partner should appreciate his shared project “skills.”) It’s my contention that relating is performative (showing that you relate to others) and stability is performative (showing that you are reliable). Shared projects can be partly performative, but they are mostly participatory – something that we do together – or not – with each person or group to which we belong. Anyone can do chores, but not everyone will do chores.
If we view shared projects as meaningful and participatory rather than solely performative (it doesn’t “prove” something about the man, but rather it is pleasant and meaningful for men and women to participate in, and unpleasant to be deprived of) then we can understand why they are important. This also explains why no amount of “performing” shared project A will allow you to forgo shared project B. Each project is meaningful and important in its own context.
In the case of (2), there are several possible solutions:
- A system replaces the spouse as the initiator. The man can use timers, calendars, or reminders from other people (say, a group of men who agree to help remind each other) – just not the spouse. It’s the man’s job to manage the system and keep it working.
- Choose well-defined, concrete tasks. Not “keep the house nice” but “do all the dishes in the sink every evening.”
- Communicate about effort, even when it wasn’t perfect. Say “I realize I didn’t do this task last night, I’ll get to it today.”
Aside from the shared projects framing, fairness is a very important perspective for understanding chores division. I will address fairness in a later piece.
Nexus State Theory 