Story
King Alaric lounged on his throne, attired in purple velvet.
Cedric stood before him, detailing his plan for the aqueduct. “Your Majesty, we must build the aqueduct through the valley. It will bring water to the eastern fields where our crops have been struggling. If we start at the river bend—”
Alaric waved his hand dismissively. “Nonsense. We must divert the water to the northern fields. They are closer to the large lakes.”
As patiently as he could, Cedric said, “But I thought the eastern fields were our priority. The farmers there need the water urgently!”
Alaric completely ignored this. “The northern route is the best choice. We can begin preparations immediately.”
Cedric felt his frustration bubble up. “Were you even listening, Your Majesty?” His voice cracked slightly, surprising them both.
Alaric raised an eyebrow. “Of course I’m listening.”
“Then why dismiss my plan without even responding to my argument?” Cedric took a step closer, his expression earnest. “As I’ve said, the farmers’ needs are critical!”
Alaric’s lips went tight and flat, and he drew breath, presumably for an angry retort. But he paused a moment, took a deep breath, and said, “I see. I apologize, Cedric. Please continue.”
Cedric nodded, relief washing over him. “Let’s go over your plan again. I know we can find a way to address both our concerns.”
Alaric took a deep breath, and the tension continued to ease. “What if we use the northern springs for a steady supply but also create a branch to serve the eastern fields?”
“Perfect!” Cedric exclaimed. “We can engineer it to ensure both areas are supplied effectively.” Then, ready to serve the kingdom’s needs together, they sketched a plan that combined their insights.
Analysis
Normally, a sink state is a self state that one becomes trapped in due to the limiting nature of its narrative – its pattern of thoughts, emotions, and actions. When one becomes stuck in a narrow narrative, one can lose access to a broader, integrated self. But what about in the dyadic case – when two people are engaged in mutual emotional regulation?
Alaric and Cedric are trapped in a kind of sink state, because Alaric hasn’t listened to Cedric’s argument or responded to it. He behaves almost as if Cedric hadn’t said anything. This traps the two of them in a dyadic sink state, with separate, incompatible narratives.
Alaric is not responding to Cedric in a contingent way. That is, his response (“the northern route is the best choice”) does not address Cedric’s argument (“the farmers there need the water urgently.”) Nor, at first, does Alaric respond to Cedric’s emotion, which Cedric expresses as a frown. Only when Cedric shows extreme frustration does Alaric seem to acknowlege Cedric’s feelings.
Fortunately, when Alaric listens, the two of them enter a dyadic nexus state – a joint state that admits maximal joint agency. We can imagine that certain joint states are closer to the Joint Default Human Range – which then means that default human range of joint positive states. In what joint states did hunter gatherers experience their interaction positively? Alaric and Cedric can work together if they expect their efforts to lead to collaboration.
In a dyadic nexus state, each respects the interests and emotions of the other, and they are able to come to a collective decision. They communicate openly about their mental and emotional states – even emotions that may be hard to express. In the story, the decision is “do both things,” but that doesn’t have to happen. Instead, Alaric might have responded contingently to Cedric’s concern, showing sympathy for the eastern farmers, yet explaining why that option was nevertheless not the best one. Or, Alaric might have agreed with Cedric’s option completely, discarding his own proposal. What matters here is not who is right, but who is contingent.
Since hunter gatherers want to find meaning in their actions, communication can be important in order to explain why someone doesn’t find a given action meaningful. Cedric thinks that the purpose of the aqueduct is to benefit the people of the kingdom. If it doesn’t help the eastern farmers, then building it might not satisfy his need to be in a Joint Default Human Range state. On the other hand, if Alaric can explain why the water must go north, Cedric might find meaning in that action instead.
Skills for dyadic regulation
Therefore, some useful skills for dyadic regulation include:
- Listening: without listening, the two people will become trapped in one person or another’s sink state.
- Authenticity: if you pretend to be someone else in order to please the other person, dyadic integration is impossible.
- Esteem for self and others: each person must think highly of themselves and of the other person for trusted communication to take place.
- Not controlling others: trying to control another person is more akin to shaming than renarrativizing.
- Curiosity: each person must want to know what the other has to say.
- Reaching out: you have to work to establish the connection between people.
- Epistemic humility: realizing that you might be wrong about something.
Remember the principle: “Most of your waking hours are spent controlling yourself” as opposed to interacting with others. No matter how good you are at these dyadic skills, autonomy is very important. People cannot “check in” with each other every few hours, even if they have a strong desire to collaborate – they must possess some independence.
Vocabulary
- Dyadic nexus state: A state in which two people have the maximum joint agency. This involves cooperation and pursuing joint goals.
- Contingent: Responding to the content and emotion of what another person said or did.
- Dyadic sink state: A state in which two people are trapped in a confining narrative. Sometimes this means that one person “wins,” effectively silencing the other, limiting the amount of useful information that is available to the pair. Alternatively, both may try to win, so that they are trapped in a state of perpetual competition.
- Dyadic regulation: Joint emotional regulation, leading to the management of a joint state for two people.
Nexus State Theory 