Story
Jared flopped onto the couch, scrolling through TikTok videos on his phone.
His mom walked in and glanced at the screen. “Have you started on your homework yet? You really need to stay on top of it.”
Jared sighed. The anxious concern in her words, the barely concealed frustration, made a knot in his stomach, whether of anger, guilt, or fear he couldn’t tell. “I will, later.” He heard the defensiveness in his voice and knew she could too.
She sat down beside him, though, sensing his mood. “I know it feels overwhelming sometimes. But getting it done early means you’ll have more free time later. Remember last week when you had to rush?”
He shrugged, still staring at his phone. What she said was true. But could it really hurt to take a break? He’d had a long day at school.
She continued gently, “It’s normal to feel stuck. How about we set a timer for twenty minutes? Just focus on one assignment. After that, we can celebrate with your favorite snack.”
Jared perked up, a small smile breaking through. “That sounds okay.”
“See? You’ve got this. Just take it one step at a time.” With a nod, he put his phone down, ready to tackle the algebra with her encouragement.
Analysis
Humans can regulate ourselves dyadically (with another person) as well as autonomously (by ourselves.) In this story, Jared relies on his mother to help him to regulate himself. I’d suggest that there are two types of dyadic regulation moves in this story: shaming and renarrativizing. The shaming maneuver happens when Jared’s mom says “you really need to stay on top of it.” The mom doesn’t necessarily mean to shame Jared, but Jared seems to experience shame. The book Affect Regulation Theory suggests that “moderate shaming” may be normal – at least for young children. However, it’s important that the parent should be able to help the child cope with the shaming that they (the parent) have caused. Also, shaming that is unskillful in the sense of being poorly selected (shaming someone for a behavior that isn’t actually dangerous) isn’t helpful at all. This is an issue where people’s opinions about how parenting works will vary a great deal.
The renarrativizing happens when Jared’s mom acknowledges his narrative (“it’s normal to feel stuck”) and reframes it (“how about we set a timer for twenty minutes.”)
When a client works with a therapist, these same tools – shaming and renarrativizing – may be at play. However, since the client is an adult, it is likely that most therapists prefer to renarrativize rather than shaming. This renarrativizing can be used to build the different types of arrows that we have mentioned above. Through renarrativizing, parents, friends, mentors, and therapists can help us find our nexus state.
Vocabulary
- Dyadic regulation: managing one’s self state with help from another person.
- Autonomous regulation: managing one’s self state alone.
- Renarrativize: to remove the narrative from a state and apply a new narrative.
- Shaming: anything that one experiences as causing shame.
Nexus State Theory 