Nexus State Theory

These exercises are provided by ChatGPT.  I have rewritten them in a way that makes sense to me, and they seem plausible.  However, unlike the Self-Therapy Exercise and meditation, I haven’t tried them to the same extent.  I tend to practice connection in a more haphazard way rather than by doing exercises – perhaps it would be good for me to be more systematic, but I haven’t.  I don’t have a journal about connection, for instance.

It seems to me that the deepest exercises are the journaling exercises.  So my main takeaway from this is that to improve connection, journaling is mostly what you want. These allow you to reframe how you think about interactions with others.  I’d maintain that many of these exercises are descripting exercises: by writing down our thoughts about others, we can see the tensions between our different thoughts and feelings, which undermines any scripts we may have had, allowing us to act more naturally.

The other exercises are done with a partner – either an informed partner or an uniformed partner.  The informed partner is someone who has agreed to do an exercise with you, while an uninformed partner may be unaware that you’re trying the exercise on them.

There are limits to what you should do with an uninformed partner.  If you’re going to try something that is generally thought to be polite, respectful, and normal, then you can go ahead and do it with an uninformed partner.  (That’s what you do all the time anyway.)  If you’re going to experiment on them in a way that might deceive, manipulate, or annoy them, it’s better to get their permission before trying anything too weird.  I like the idea of a concealed narrative here.  If you have a very involved story about why you’re doing what you’re doing – and it’s one that you can’t share with your partner – it may be that you’re going too far with the experiment.

Journaling exercises

Questioning stories.  This is a journaling exercise for viewing relationships in the metanarrative mode: reinterpreting them and dereifying our stories about them.

1. Recall the conversation as best you can.  Write down only those facts that you can know for yourself: what was said (the actual words) and what you were feeling and thinking.  Of course, if some time has passed since the conversation, these things too may be a memory-story more than a set of definite facts.

2. Identify triggers and assumptions.  What exactly triggered your emotional reaction?  Was it a specific word, tone of voice, or gesture?  Also notice what interpretation you made.  For example, you might assume that your friend checked her phone while you are talking because she was angry at you or was bored with what you were saying.  This step helps you to separate the trigger, which should be an objective fact (“she checked her phone”) from your story about the event (“she must have been bored.”)

3. Question your narrative.  Consider alternative explanations or uncertainties.  “She wasn’t bored, but she was waiting for a specific message or news that she urgently needed to read.”)  The alternative explanation should be compatible with having significant respect for the person’s character.  It should assume that the person is basically a good person.  Once you’ve separated the trigger from the story and imagined alternative stories, the hope is that you can relate to the story in “ink mode” – it’s just a story, made up of emotions and assumptions rather than coming from direct knowledge of the other person.

4. Reflect on your response.  How did you respond to the person?  How would you have responded if you’d assumed the other narrative?  Picture yourself responding in the alternative way.

Multiple scenarios.  This is a shortened version of the previous exercise.  Imagine multiple scenarios that could explain what was behind another person’s words and actions.  Intentionally adopt the more positive or neutral of the interpretations.  The goal is to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Gratitude journal.  Try keeping a gratitude journal about your connections with others – write down something you appreciate every day. One purpose of the gratitude journal is to question difficult scripts.

Empathy journal 1.  In an empathy journal, you can think of an interaction that frustrated you and write a short paragraph from the other person’s point of view.  Try to imagine their thoughts and feelings as charitably as possible.  You could also do this by speaking out loud, pretending to be the other person explaining themselves.  This is a bit different from the previous exercises in that you are writing in the first person (writing as them) rather than the third person (writing as you).

Empathy journal 2.  Another empathy journal exercise: when you encounter opinions very different from your own, try to summarize the viewpoint in your own words.  Don’t mock or strawman it; frame it in a way that you can actually understand.  It makes sense to limit this exercise to opinions that you actually want to understand – not everyone wants to empathize with every position.

Exercises with an informed partner

These exercises assume that your partner has signed on to do the exercise with you.  Each of you has a role to play in the exercise.

Role reversal.  If you have an argument with a partner or friend, you can try a role-reversal exercise where each person speaks from the other person’s perspective.  This builds cognitive empathy because you have to imagine what the other person would say.  Afterwards, discuss what the experience was like.

Eye contact.  Try maintaining eye contact with another person for a minute or two in silence.  This can increase feelings of connection and can deepen understanding and empathy.

Just listen.  The “just listen” exercise: listen to another person talking for 3-5 minutes without saying anything.  You can respond with brief encouragers (“Mm hm.  Wow.  I see.  Tell me more about that”) but you can’t otherwise steer the conversation.

Exercises with an uninformed partner

These are less exercises and more “things to try to do more of” in conversation.

Practice gratitude and appreciation.  Say “I really enjoy our conversations” or “thanks for listening to me earlier.”

Attention.  Give your full attention to others and avoid interrupting them.

Avoid judgment.  Offer respect to your conversation partner, even within your own mind.  That is, ideally it’s not just a simulation of respect, but actual respect.

Active listening.  Try to show with your words that you understood (or didn’t understand) what was said.  You could paraphrase the other person’s thought or say “what did you mean by that?”